Dating is a time when both men and women put their best foot forward. Only after the blossoming romance progresses and the couple exchange rings and wedding vows do the true colours of husband and wife begin to emerge.
Every so often a man or woman will come to me for advice, asking “Why does my spouse seem different now that we’re married?” or “What should I do to get the same person back?” My answer to both questions rarely changes; one of life’s near-absolute truths is that post-wedding change is inevitable. But the good news is, it’s possible to find the “comfort zone” that can overcome the difficulties of your post-wedding transformation and keep your marriage happy and strong for the long run.
LOOK CAREFULLY
Before you draw too many conclusions about your spouse, take time to carefully assess the situation, and ask yourself some questions. Might your partner’s change be a reaction to a change in your behaviour?
Over the years, many couples have come to see me hoping that I will agree to talk to their spouse. One of the most pervasive problems they mention is that they feel as if their partner changed significantly once they got married. Common complaints include “My spouse isn’t as affectionate as before” and “He/she rarely talks nicely to me.”
I met a married couple. The wife complained that her husband doesn’t talk to her in a nice way; their conversations usually evolve into arguments. I agreed to talk one-to-one with her husband. When I asked him why he doesn’t talk nicely to his wife, he replied by describing the way his wife talked to him. His description sounded as if his wife spoke to him as if he were her enemy rather than her husband. This is a classic situation that so many couples experience in their marriage.
The lesson here is, if you want your partner to behave in a certain way, you need to behave that way first. If you want your wife to talk to you in a calm manner, start by talking calmly to your wife.
COMMUNICATION WITHOUT MANIPULATION
As you can see from the above example, the fundamental issue is communication. Communication between spouses should be free of hidden agendas. Too many couples use communication as a tool to gain control over their spouse, to convince their spouse to do something against his/her desire or better judgement.
Communication is frequently used as a means of getting something we want from someone else, often with little thought given to that person’s ability to give. We sulk, we make threats, we do whatever is needed to make the other person feel guilty.
This is a common occurrence in marriage. And it’s guaranteed to cause relationship damage. While the effects may appear to be only temporary at first, in reality the damage caused by manipulative communication accumulates over time, and it has the potential to inflict tremendous long-term damage that can doom the marital relationship.
LOVE MY DOG
If you’re on a mission to make your spouse perfect, drop it. Put your energy into respecting what your spouse has to offer. You got married because you love your spouse. I appreciate the wisdom of “love me, love my dog” with a slightly altered interpretation: Truly loving someone includes loving “the dog” _ loving the whole person including the negative things.
In life, the one thing we know for sure is that things will change. Change can be good. When you notice changes in your partner, be careful before jumping to conclusions. Perhaps your spouse is making a change in order to make things better for your family.
In general, man’s fundamental desires include a life partner, wealth and honour. Women in general seek a life partner, love and security. As young single adults, we look for someone who shares our hopes and dreams and will work together to achieve them.
http://www.bangkokpost.com/news/health/278621/surviving-your-spouse-post-wedding-changes
